To Be Or Not To Be (Alone)

I like being single.

I feel like every time I say or think this I am lying to myself. I am not saying I don’t miss him or how he made me feel when he wasn’t making me feel like a piece of shit. I miss him, but I do not miss what we were. Maybe it’s because I am in so much pain that I like being single, but pain or happiness or whatever it is, I like being single.

Everyone is always so focused on looking for someone to be with, whether you’re out hanging with your friends and you’re scoping out the hottest guy in the room or you’re at some concert looking for the nicest hook up. I use to be like this, but after him I just…I want nothing to do with it. I want to force myself to be with someone, but at the same time I’m so happy I am alone. That’s a funny thing to say, don’t you think? I am so happy I am alone.

I like only having to take care of myself, and I enjoy not looking for some boy all the time. I like being able to relax and treat myself without feeling bad about not spending my money on him. I love it! I love not having someone telling me what to do, and I love not having to listen to anyone either. I like feeling as if no one is oppressing me, and I know in relationships you aren’t suppose to feel that way. However, relationships are a give and take deal, you have to give a little. When you’re single, you don’t have to compromise with anyone, but yourself (and that’s pretty nice).

For prom I sacrificed my freedom to having a date, and yeah it’s not as bad as I make it sound, but I hated it. I hated him always having a hand on my waist or shoulder. I hated someone touching me. I hated him acting like he had to take care of me, if I wanted to act crazy I’ll act crazy. I won’t have you telling me what I can or can’t do. I didn’t like him in the first place, so maybe that made things worse. I hated having him try to be all on me, I hated the, “Jalyn, come on over here!” I hated the “Come sit next to me!” I hated the, “Are you okay, Jalyn? What’s wrong.” Does something have to be wrong for me not to want to sit next to you. I know I sound like a real bitch, but he knew he wasn’t getting anything from em. We went as friends. I made it clear. He should’ve known, but he took every chance he could to touch my waist and touch me in general. Whatever! At least I am single, and it was one night, but jeez! He needs to cool his jets!

I like being single because I like being me, and maybe it’s really good for me if I’m single for a while so I can figure out who I am before I throw myself in another relationship or even into some sort of “thing” or hookup. The last thing I need is allowing myself to become someone else for some guy.

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