Break Up (Again!)

Okie dokie, where to begin? Your unwise girl has a stone cold heart. I do not know what is wrong with me sometimes, I finally get a guy who cares! I think we all know how hard that is to find; however, I still find myself, not messing it up, but wanting more. Not more from him, everything with him is great and fantastic, but…well, there are a lot of buts.

I feel like when I am in a relationship, I am constrained within a box of boundries. Not boundries like you obviously can’t get with other people, but boundries of my own emotions. I am not allowed to feel all I feel towards certain situations and things. Maybe that doesn’t make sense, but that’s exactly how I feel. Like allowing myself to feel certain things can hurt my partner. I love to write, I think that is pretty obvious; however, I feel like when I am with someone, writing is not first. To me, writing should always be first, but I find myself putting it aside to hang out with my boyfriend instead of doing what I love. And I don’t love him.

I’m sorry I don’t love you.

He says there is no reason for him to not like me, so he still wants to be with me because I haven’t done anything but leave him. That’s not true. What I have done is choose my dreams, going to Boston to pursue writing instead of trying to make us work. I haven’t tried to make us work at all. I refuse to be in a long distance relationship, everyone deserves someone who can be there for them all the time and I don’t mean through facetime.

To the artists out there, do you understand what I mean? I feel as thought digging up the sadness and emotion and the pain and the happiness within myself I am betraying my boyfriend. I feel like I have to be happy all the time with him, but I want to feel all I am feeling. Also, yes I do consider myself an artist with my words (haha, but that’s another subject I should write on).

The worst part is, I really am not sorry. My heart doesn’t long for him, and I have no pain over this separation (if he ever sees this it might kill him, so thank god I know he won’t see this). See this, this right here, I couldn’t say this if I was with him:

A passage from my journal, “…I would miss the freedom of giving all my love and all of my focus on mysef. Does that make me selfish? Maybe, possibly, yes…I want to feel all I feel without feeling as if I should save those feelings for him. I want my time to write, read, and go to places I have never seen. I have feeeligns I want to feel. Feelings that are uncomfortable and different and unique and things that go on in people’s inner workings of their minds, but things they will never admitt outloud. I want to travel and do as I wish and stop sacraficing myself for others right when I’m finally beginning to start the rest of my life.”

So, you see, yes, maybe I am selfish; however, who cares? You are allowed to be selfish, and you are allowed to love yourself. You are allowed to put yourself first because that is what the rest of the world does, and if you are constantly giving and giving, you will have nothing. And nothing isn’t good enough, you deserve more, you deserve your own love.


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